Humor Quotes - Page 145

At the end of my trial, I was rather hoping the judge would send me to Australia for the rest of my life.

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

The court is like a palace of marble; it's composed of people very hard and very polished.

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.

I was seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unreasonable Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle of the night.

"I feel like, like pudding," Iggy groaned. "Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain."

My advice to the unborn is, don't be born with a gambling instinct unless you have a good sense of probabilities.

If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.

Why are they all staring?" demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students. "Don’t let it worry you," said Ron. "It’s me. I’m extremely famous.

Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again. "So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking.

...the wonderful poems interpreting with equal magic the romance of strange lands and times, or the modern soul, naked and unashamed, as if clothed in its own complexity; the humorous-tragic questionings of the universe; the delicious travel-pictures and fantasies; the lucid criticisms of art, and politics, and philosophy, informed with malicious wisdom, shimmering with poetry and wit.

He had that rare weird electricity about him - that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving normally.

Give God the margin of eternity to justify himself.

If there's one thing I know it's God does love a good joke.

I'll have that one, please.

Some people are so dry that you might soak them in a joke for a month and it would not get through their skins.

Good-humor makes all things tolerable

Mirth is God's medicine.

Laws and institutions, like clocks, must occasionally be cleaned, wound up, and set to true time.

Even if it doesn't work, there is something healthy and invigorating about direct action

We worship not the Graces, nor the Parcae, but Fashion. She spins and weaves and cuts with full authority. The head monkey at Paris puts on a traveler's cap, and all the monkeys in America do the same.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.