Humor Quotes - Page 148

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

The faults of the burglar are the qualities of the financier.

Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore.

Ningauble shrugged. You're a hero. You should know.

Stripped of ethical rationalizations and philosophical pretensions, a crime is anything that a group in power chooses to prohibit.

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

Fortune and humor govern the world.

And dilettantism is a humorous way to survive. Everybody understands you for it and everybody hates you for it. And not everybody chooses to be a dilettante. Many choose cunning and brute force.

I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror.

Here is the piece. If you can't say fornicate can you say copulate or if not that can you say co-habit? If not that would have to say consummate I suppose. Use your own good taste and judgment.

Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure.

One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.

Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.