Humor Quotes - Page 149

The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.

Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

I mean, the question actors most often get asked is how they can bear saying the same things over and over again, night after night, but God knows the answer to that is, don't we all anyway; might as well get paid for it.

Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.

If I traveled to the end of the rainbow as Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me the pot's at the other end.

Beauty ought to look a little surprised: it is the emotion that best suits her face. The beauty who does not look surprised, who accepts her position as her due - she reminds us too much of a prima donna.

Whatever else an American believes or disbelieves about himself, he is absolutely sure he has a sense of humor.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head?

I'm in the public eye, so I don't care who knows what I get done. If I see something sagging, dragging, or bagging, I get it sucked, tucked, or plucked.

I tried the Scarsdale diet and the Stillman water diet (you remember that one, where you run weight off trying to get to the bathroom).

The notion of a record is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card.

Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.