Humor Quotes - Page 147

Australians are decent people with the right instincts and they wish everybody well; but if all is not well, it is none of their business and they will not lose too much sleep over it. The shrug of the shoulders has become - only temporarily, I daresay - the national gesture of Australia.

Nobody uses his car in New York, because so many people use it that traffic is congested and unbearably slow.

Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better.

The country has always been governed by a coalition but today it is governed by a so-called Grand Coalition which is a more polite word for all and sundry.

Although the rudiments of snobbery are there, its finer developments are basically alien to the Australian soul - that is, if Australians have a soul; many people believe that they are too matter-of-fact and down-to-earth to have such fancy commodities.

Bad English was the second language of Israel and bad Hebrew, of course, remained the national language.

The Americans are extremely gadget minded people and American gadgets have a peculiar characteristic: they work.

If it is gay, ribald and lascivious night-life you are after, Israel is not the place for you. The night clubs you do find are nearer in spirit to a YMCA than to dens of iniquity.

Israel also deprived the world of its chance of shedding tears of genuine sympathy over her destruction. The world resents this; it likes to feel noble and sympathetic.

In the field of snobbery, Australia is an underdeveloped country; even a few British ex-colonies, regarded as under developed in all other respects, could export a great deal of snobbery to Australia and still have enough to spare for their own, internal needs.

When a wicked and unworthy subject annoyed the Sultan of Turkey or the Czar of Russia, he had his head cut of without much ceremony; but when the same happened in England, the monarch declared : "We are not amused".

Rich people (in Australia) have swimming pools in their gardens but, at least, they do swim in them.

The Art of Conversation could not die in Australia; it never lived. Television did not kill it; there was nothing there to kill.

The British are proud of their ability to create a muddle and then muddle through all difficulties. I must shake the British pride: muddle is not an exclusively British institution. Read descriptions, for instance, of the over-organized, wonderfully systematic and "thorough" German war machine during the last war.

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!