Humor Quotes - Page 144

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

It's a humorous statement that doesn't mean anything. You can't lie to God - it's ridiculous.

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

I come from a very big family. Nine parents.

A general truth is to have a good sense of humor. Roll with the punches of life's ups and downs. Laughing at yourself always helps.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

The ACLU's got to take a lot of blame for this.

You'll be riding along in an automobile. You'll be the driver perhaps. You're a Christian. There'll be several people in the automobile with you, maybe someone who is not a Christian. When the trumpet sounds you and the other born-again believers in that automobile will be instantly caught away - you will disappear, leaving behind only your clothes and physical things that cannot inherit eternal life. That unsaved person or persons in the automobile will suddenly be startled to find the car suddenly somewhere crashes.

I like to use big words so people will think I know what I'm talking about.

You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it.

Shirley and Griffey get along like a rattler and a parrot.

Gonzo leaps like a giraffe and grabs it.

The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside.

I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since.

I saw a great Newfoundland dog the other day sitting in front of a mirror at the entrance to a shop in Regent's Circus, and examining himself with an amount of smug satisfaction that I have never seen equaled elsewhere outside a vestry meeting.