Humor Quotes - Page 137

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother

Averages don't always reveal the most telling realities. You know, Shaquille O'Neal and I have an average height of 6 feet.

Another good reducing exercise consists in placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back.

A boy is naturally full of humor.

Americans are like a rich father who wishes he knew how to give his son the hardships that made him rich.

An idea is a feat of association.

Good -humor is goodness and wisdom combined.

[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this.

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

Nor would anybody suspect. If was one thing all people took for granted, was conviction that if you feed honest figures into a computer, honest figures come out. Never doubted it myself till I met a computer with a sense of humor.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

There's no difference between fame and infamy now. There's a new school of professional famous people that don't do anything. They don't create anything.

I'm so far gone that I'm telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language.