Humor Quotes - Page 139

If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.

America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. Start thinking and pretty soon you get ideas, and then you get idealism, and the next thing you know you've got ideology, with millions dead in concentration camps and gulags.

Politics is the art of achieving prestige and power without merit.

Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is wiser not to stir them.

He was a long, stripy policeman, who flowed out of his uniform at odd spots, as if Nature, setting out to make a constable, had had a good deal of material left over which she had not liked to throw away but hardly seemed able to fit into the general scheme.

She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.

There is no such thing as romance in our day, women have become too brilliant; nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman.

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

Biography lends to death a new terror.

Good wine needs no bush, And perhaps products that people really want Need no hard-sell or soft-sell TV push. Why not? Look at pot.

But it also became the experience, or was the experience, of the writers who were attracted to this kind of humor. They're all men or women who come from the same kind of experience in their own lives.

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all Jazz is for.

They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.

Mom says it's because she has PMS. Do you even know what that means? "I'm not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome

I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.

The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist.

I don't see the point of watching men exercise.

There was a time I was very much blaming the way I felt on L.A, that it was a vacuum of creativity, of humor or anything organic, and I was really angry at the place. But then today I feel completely different - I love L.A.!

A sharp sense of the ironic can be the equivalent of the faith that moves mountains. Far more quicky than reason or logic, irony can penetrate rage and puncture self-pity.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!"

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.