Humor Quotes - Page 138

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?

The most colossal display of wise, inspiring, and humorous metaphors ever exhibited in one place.

I like to think 'The God Delusion' is a humorous book. I think, actually, it's full of laughs. And people who describe it as a polarizing book or as an aggressive book, it's just that very often they haven't read it.

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample.

If Blake said that, said Father Brian, he never lived in Dublin.

He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom.

Wit makes its own welcome, and levels all distinctions.

No orator can top the one who can give good nicknames.

Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully.

The judge is found guilty when a criminal is acquitted.

When I started writing this, I found that I simply couldn't take fantasy seriously, so it became humorous, and continued from there.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labelled Sally and Peppy.

Do what you do best, and outsource the rest.

I never ask my wife about my flaws. Instead I try to get her to ignore them and concentrate on my sense of humor.

Allen's Law of Civilization: It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.

I never wanted to go on stage alone because if you mess up, who can you blame?

Be wary of the horse with a sense of humor.

If I like it, I say it's mine. If I don't I say it's a fake.

I can think of a number of areas in New York where three acres of nuclear waste would make the neighborhood safer to walk around in than it is now, and better lit.

Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, "Soon you'll be finished with dinner."

The typical old-fashioned diet (in the nineteenth century) was so bad it almost assembled modern dieting.

East Germany was so total in its totalitarianism that everything was banned which wasn't compulsory.

Germans respond well to lies. At least, they always have historically.

Australia is not very exclusive. On the visa application they still ask if you've been convicted of a felony - although they are willing to give you a visa even if you haven't been.