Humor Quotes - Page 135

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

Above all things, and at all times, practice yourself in good humor.

Conservative humor is frankly harder than liberal humor. You get points for just being liberal. You can get more points if you make fun of your own side sometimes.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you'll hurt yourself arguing with me.

At NBC I wasn't really sure if the grandparents were going to get my sense of humor on a particular topic.

Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

How young can you die of old age?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

A metaphor is like a simile.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I lost a button hole.