Humor Quotes - Page 134

The oil and wine of merry meeting.

Young lawyers attend the courts, not because they have business there, but because they have no business.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

I was never ruined but twice: once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one.

You know, Freud accepted his lot very stoically and very well and with a sense of humor. He aged and died gracefully, and there's a lot to be said for that.

The difference between farce and humour in literature is, I suppose, that farce strums louder and louder on one string, while humour varies its note, changes its key, grows and spreads and deepens until it may indeed reach tragic depths.

I am a great believer that what makes our show different is the humor.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

From the air, Vatican City looked like a marble Monopoly set. The Church owned all the property from Broadwalk to Illinois Avenue, has three hotels on every lot, and no matter how often it tossed the dice you just knew it would never land on Go to Jail, it would be forever passing Go and collecting $200.

Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things!

I really like the Observer. I think I'd love to have a column with a broad reach that would enable me to do some proper reporting, but keep it on sort of a humorous level. I've always had a very happy experience writing for them.

I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'