I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."
If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."
Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.
I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"
I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
Why are there no "during" pictures?
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
