Funny Quotes - Page 397

Amy Winehouse - her surname's beginning to sound like a description of her liver.

When you bump into your own mom at an orgy, it's hard not to get her to read into certain things.

Even in name, he seems like a Victorian oddity. "Igor, fetch 'the Crouch' from the catacombs, we're going to the graveyard".

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed.

How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?

You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am.

Hmm... Death by mini bar, how glamorous.

I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers.

[In Moscow] we got through to [Soviet leaders] Brezhnev and Kosygin on the telephone. I think it was because nobody had ever tried to call them at home before.

Success is like Halley's comet, you know. Every now and then it just comes around.

A week is a long time in politics, and three weeks is twice as long.

I don't weigh a pound over one hundred and eighty and, what's more, I never did.

I have trouble saying hu ... hu ... husband.

Grief is a funny thing because you don't have to carry it with you for the rest of your life. After a bit you set it down by the roadside and walk on and leave it.

I found out a long time ago that if I didn't have a good story for a song, I could just make one up! Now it seems over half the stories in my show are made up. The funny thing is, those seem to be the ones that resonate the most with the audiences.

Because Vietnam was not a declared war, the veterans are not even eligible for the G. I. Bill of Rights with respect to education or anything.

Trains are not any more energy efficient than the average automobile, with both getting about 48 passenger miles to the gallon.

Elena, my four year old, says to me in all seriousness; "Mommy, you need to buy another baby".

If you put it on the table as a bargaining chip, it becomes a bargaining chip

Until now has there ever been a time in which so many of the prophecies are coming together? There have been times in the past when people thought the end of the world was coming, and so forth, but never anything like this.

... a faceless mass, waiting for handouts.

Today a newcomer to the state is automatically eligible for our many aid programs the moment he crosses the border.

We think there is a parallel between federal involvement in education and the decline in profit over recent years.

They've done away with those committees. That shows the success of what the Soviets were able to do in this country.