Funny Quotes - Page 396

I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.

I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.

Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

He's the funniest, smartest person I know. It doesn't mean he doesn't bug me and I'm sure I bug him sometimes.

I think it's because it's so different and it takes risks. Plus, it's really smart humor. It gives the audience credit in terms of not needing to tell them when to laugh. I love that about the show. There's no laugh track.

I always think I should get on it if I want to have kids. Because once you hit thirty it can be difficult to conceive — it can be dangerous. The best time to conceive is when you're a black teenager.

Fast pitch softball is just as dangerous as baseball. The ball is bigger so you can see it better, but the size also makes for a bigger space to move out of its way.

It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find next morning that it was someone else.

The most fatal disease of friendship is gradual decay, or dislike hourly increased by causes too slender for complaint, and too numerous for removal.

That fellow seems to me to possess but one idea, and that is a wrong one.

The trouble with this business is the dearth of bad pictures.

He treats me like the dirt under my feet.

This makes me so sore it gets my dandruff up.

Keep a stiff upper chin.

Even if they had it in the streets, I wouldn't go.

[when asked by his secretary if she should destroy all files that were over ten years old] Yes, but keep copies.

To hell with the cost, if it's a good story, I'll make it.

The American success formula is first to get a home of your own, then to get a car of your own so you don't have to stay in that home of your own.

I have a lot of funny friends, though not everyone's funny all the time. Doon Mackichan's my funniest friend in the pub; Nina Conti's the funniest with a monkey.

I was always telling everybody that I could be funny.

Nature, it appears, has been rather more bountiful to Paul's body and purse than to his intellect; above the ears, speaking bluntly, the boy is strictly tapioca.

We old roosters must be cautious. Don't try to outwit your arteries.

If you want to work consistently, you have to be a team player.