Funny Quotes - Page 393

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

It's a funny thing with the inspiration thing. There's always loads of music around that I absolutely love and films going back to when I started making film music in the mid-80's.

It's a funny thing about stories. It doesn't feel like you make them up, more like you find them. You type and type and you know you haven't got it yet, because somewhere out there, there's that perfect thing -- the unexpected ending that was always going to happen. That place you've always been heading for, but never expected to go.

The Lazysphere - a working definition - is a group of bloggers who I won't name by name, but you can spot them a mile away. Rather than create new ideas or pen thoughtful essays, they simply glom on to the latest news with another "me too" blog post.

I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.