Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick
I washed mud off of mud.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
I took a baby shower.
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."
I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
