Funny Quotes - Page 400

Sometimes I think I look like I've had facial reconstructive surgery. Like after burns.

This is quite difficult 'cause I have a really flat head, and so it's quite difficult to get a correct angle. And you can't go up from down below as well, 'cause I've got, like, rock solid gelled hair. And so, like, it was odd. I don't know, sometimes I feel like my head is being, like, turned inside out. Like that episode of Ren & Stimpy when he's inside his own belly button. I don't know.

I thought I was supposed to have a fake six-pack in this scene

People would be in hysterics if they saw that. It's like, wow, he's a superhuman moron.... So he wears lipstick, has a little bouffant, and does little circus acts as well. Oh, he's so sexy.

A true sonnet goes eight lines and then takes a turn for better or worse and goes six or eight lines more.

There is a time early in life when there seem to be countless reasons for happiness, and then you discover your mom is making them up.

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.

One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery.

She sleeps alone at last.

Streets full of water. Please Advise.

A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.

If I had a Boy Scout I could make a fire by rubbing his hind legs together.

Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.

Funny thing about faith ... it goes a lot faster than it comes.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"