Funny Quotes - Page 348

You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.

I love being a dad, it keeps me fit and inspired and children are so funny. They always supply you with acting material!

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?" All the time.

Marriage is a very good thing, but I think it's a mistake to make a habit out of it.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

[Ulysses is] the work of a queasy undergraduate scratching his pimples.

I'm living my dream right now. I get to make music, perform and travel.

Can you be a girl for a few seconds?" "I'm always a girl" I frown. "You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl" I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay.

The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to change your name and start a new life in a different city.

I don't use my body to seduce, no. I just stand there.

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.

Dating is different when you get older. You're not as trusting, or as eager to get back out there and expose yourself to someone.

When everything is coming your way, youre probably in the wrong lane.

Birth and death were easy. It was life that was hard.

I'm attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn't that what attracts anyone?

I had to get back to work... NBC has me under contract; the baby and I only have a verbal agreement.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

On the stage you're there, it's live. There's a beginning, a middle, an end. When something is funny you hear it right away.

Systems are made by players rather than players making systems

You find out in life that people really like you funny. So what do you give 'em? Humor. And then if you show them the other side, they don't like you as much. I find, too, that I can hide behind the idiot's mask being funny, and you never see the sorrow or the pain.