Funny Quotes - Page 351

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

I actually think being involved in the cesarean would be... I just can't wait!

I look a bit like him.

Obviously, the best dressed awards is very relevant, I'm best dressed at all times.(smiles)

The funny thing about insane people is that it is kind of the opposite of being a celebrity. Nobody envies you.

Self awareness is NOT just a bunch of amino acids bumping together.

I didn't plan on rock-n-roll. I wanted to learn jazz; I got to know some people doing rock-n-roll with jazz, and I thought I could make some money playing music.

The funny thing is, I'm so used to not caring what anyone says, good or bad, that unfortunately even when people say good things I wish it made me feel good, but it doesn't.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

I thought LeBron James was just going to be another addition to help me score

For years politicians have promised the Moon. I'm the first one to be able to deliver it.

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

Since I've retired, I eat less, weigh less, train less and care less.