Funny Quotes - Page 345

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.

The more you complain the longer God lets you live

One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride.

Our Constitution is in actual operation; everything appears to promise that it will last; but in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The discovery of a wine is of greater moment than the discovery of a constellation. The universe is too full of stars.

God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her.

When I was here there was still a requirement that students had to swim 50 yards to graduate...because Harry Elkins Widener had drowned with the sinking of the Titanic. And it made me very grateful at the time that he had not gone down in a plane crash.

I was a lesbian for a semester at Wesleyan - it was a graduation requirement.

The statesman shears the sheep; the politician skins them.

The Schnauzer listens to jazz. I listen to jazz because he likes it, and I have even gone to jazz concerts with him, but truthfully I would rather listen to retarded children pounding on pan lids with wooden spoons.

I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat.

Does there, I wonder, exist a being who has read all, or approximately all, that the person of average culture is supposed to have read, and that not to have read is a social sin? If such a being does exist, surely he is an old, a very old man.

What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only get 65% as much.

Ladies Commit, There's A Wedding In It For You.

I'm at a very frustrating point in my career because I'm not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you're in movies or TV, you're rich. I'm not rich, but I'm far from broke. I'm what you call a 'thousandaire.'

The stupider the peasant, the better the horse understands him.

I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I'm annoying, and a phony.

When you leave college, there are thousands of people out there with the same degree you have; when you get a job, there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you are the only person alive who has sole custody of your life.

Of course drugs were fun. And that's what's so stupid about anti-drug campaigns; they don't admit that. I can't say I feel particularly scarred or lessened by my experimentation with drugs. They've gotten a very bad name.