Funny Quotes - Page 342

To you who have never died, may I say: Welcome to the world!

If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours.

Everybody is a potential murderer. I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.

I took three years off. I differentiated myself from the industry. Found my identity - sort of... I haven't graduated yet. I'm not legitimately educated yet, but maybe one day.

Thank God for machines. They can make a dog sing!

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.

They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy.

I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

I put the costume on and said 'It's not very comfortable, but it looks amazing,' so it's all good.

Customers long to interact with - even relate to - employees who act like there is still a light on inside.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

Men aren't necessities, they're luxuries.

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there if Jesus Christ was President.

Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.

A great artist can paint a great picture on a small canvas.

Accidents will occur in the best regulated families.

We spent as much money as we could and got as little for it as people could make up their minds to give us. We were always more or less miserable, and most of our acquaintance were in the same condition. There was a gay fiction among us that we were constantly enjoying ourselves, and a skeleton truth that we never did. To the best of my belief, our case was in the last aspect a rather common one.

I don't quite recollect how many tumblers of whiskey toddy each man drank after supper; but this I know, that about one o'clock in the morning, the baillie's grown-up son became insensible while attempting the first verse of 'Willie brewed a peck o' maut'; and he having been, for half an hour before, the only other man visible above the mahogany, it occurred to my uncle that it was almost time to think about going.

The problem with children is that you have to put up with their parents.

Always be drunk ... Get drunk militantly. Just get drunk.