Funny Quotes - Page 344

The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the Government.

I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.

It's very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just right. Then, on my way home, I see couples on every street corner doing it better.

In England when you make a movie even the weather is against you. In Hollywood the weatherman gets a shooting schedule from all the major studios and then figures out where he can fit in a little rain without upsetting Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer too much.

There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. "

You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you're turning the pages.

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.

I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned.

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

Buttons ... check. Dials ... check. Switches ... check. Little colored lights ... check.

Tracy McGrady is doing things we've never seen from anybody - from any planet!

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

Ever notice that people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.