Funny Quotes - Page 346

In Africa, we were around thousands of people who have seen a lot of poverty, but they were fun at the end of the day.

Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

I've always dreamed of growing up to be Amy Poehler.

A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect.

Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.

Somewhere in the crowd was at least one potential friend who'd understand the fundamental value of goofing off. Because if not, how boring would that be?

Statistics have shown that mortality increases perceptibly in the military during wartime.

The whole city gives you the impression of impermanence. You have the feeling that one day someone is going to yell, "Cut! Strike it!" and then the stagehands will scurry out and remove the mountains, the movie-star homes, the Hollywood Bowl--everything.

In Hollywood if you are not working, you are a leper. True, you are probably living in the most expensive leper colony in the world.

When a woman like that whom I've seen so much, All of a sudden drops out of touch; Is always busy and never can, Spare you a moment, it means a man.

True friendship's laws are by this rule express'd, Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest.

Nothing comes sailing by itself.

Therapy can be a good thing; it can be therapeutic.

For what we think and feel and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and our viscera.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.

Love, honor, and negotiate.

It's a funny thing about me. I don't have any interest in food most of the time now, although when I was a kid I was always hungry

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.