Funny Quotes - Page 347

I didn't realize I was in a Buddhist temple.

I find that when people haven't found God and do not know the new birth and the Spirit is not on them, yet they have the ancient impulse to worship something. If they're not educated they kill a chicken and put a funny thing on their head and dance around. If they are educated they write poetry.

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'

If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

My Dear McClellan, if you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully.

I filmed myself drunk, just to see what I'm like. I watched so many funny videos of people drunk on YouTube.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

All the best stories in the world are but one story in reality - the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times, how to escape.

A pekingeese is not a pet dog; he is an undersized lion.

Habits are funny things. What's funny, or rather tragic, is that bad habits are so predictable and avoidable. Despite this, there are people by the millions who insist on acquiring habits that are bad, expensive, and create problems. The habit they weren't going to get, got them!

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.

I don't want problems solved for me. I want the fishing rod, not the fish.

I was on my bus, and on my bus I have a yoga swing. Jennifes comes on, and she goes, ' Hi, Woody, I'm J--- is that a sex swing?' Her first sentence to me.

... years of insanity have made this guy crazy!

There's no such thing as a good tax.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Well, I have one consolation. No candidate was ever elected ex-president by such a large majority!

The execs don't care what color you are. They care about how much money you make. Hollywood is not really black or white. It's green.