Funny Quotes - Page 339

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.

Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.

Hollywood's a very weird place. I think there's less of everything except for attitude.

Show me the books he loves and I shall know the man far better than through mortal friends.

over 85% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

The first year I was on the show, it took an interviewer about 45 minutes to get it out of me that I even had a dog, and even then I wouldn't tell him the dog's name.

I wrote a novel for my degree, and I'm very happy I didn't submit that to a publisher. I sympathize with my professors who had to read it.

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are.

That was in the past - we're in the future now.

Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

Greyhound Bus Lines motto: "We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards."

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.

We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple is all about: the Islip Garbage Barge.

Although it was constructed in 1536, the New York subway system boasts an annual maintenance budget of nearly $8, currently stolen, and it does a remarkable job of getting New Yorkers from Point A to an indeterminate location somewhere in the tunnel leading to point B.

Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time by perspiring freely until the train storms in, colorfully decorated, as is the tradition in New York, with the spray-painted initials of all the people it has run over.

There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars.

Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.

This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.

It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to "get involved" in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements.