Funny Quotes - Page 337

Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.

I love being funny and talking with fellas.

"I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?" "Fido looks a bit weird."

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!

In the summer we graduated we flipped out completely, drinking beer, cruising in our cars and beating up each other. It was a crazy summer. That's when I started to be interested in girls.

Ed, I see you're out drinking again. What's the occasion? I was sober.

When I played Lady Day, I took Aba onstage with me as a joke. He started singing-in tune!-and the audience loved it.

Beauty ought to look a little surprised: it is the emotion that best suits her face. The beauty who does not look surprised, who accepts her position as her due - she reminds us too much of a prima donna.

It sometimes takes days, even weeks, before a dog's nerves tire. In the case of terriers it can run into months.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop

It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

The people I grew up around who I really liked were quick on the draw. It always just wowed me. And my mum would make weird funny comments. I can see in myself her self-deprecating, hippie humour. I can't take myself too seriously.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Space is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist, but that's just peanuts to space.

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

Deals work best when each side gets something it wants from the other.

If a prospective Presidential approach can't be explained clearly enough to be understood well, it probably hasn't been thought through well enough. If not well understood by the American people, it probably won't 'sail' anyway. Send it back for further thought.

This is largely the methodology I've used throughout my career - that is, starting with a question as to what might be the properties of a set of compounds that could be invented which were unusual and unpredictable. Many times I've felt a bit like Columbus setting sail.

I had never been to second base.