Funny Quotes - Page 336

Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure.

No One Diets on Thanksgiving.

One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

People always think of Chinese food as the go-to ethnic food when everything else is closed during the holidays, but Indian is a nice alternative. Plus - Indians? Thanksgiving? Kinda makes sense.

My grandchildren are fabulous and funny.

The truth is simple, you do not die from love. You only wish you did.

Allow me to put the record straight. I am forty-six and have been for some years past.

It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't play like me, play like you.'

The knowledge of languages was very useful. I have a university degree in foreign languages and literature.

You know, fame is a funny thing, man, especially, you know, actors, musicians, rappers, rock singers, it's kind of a lifestyle and it's easy to get caught up in it - you go to bars, you go to clubs, everyone's doing a certain thing... It's tough.

I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me.

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

Dogs are a habit, I think.

The only man who makes money following the races is one who does it with a broom and shovel.

Perfume: any smell that is used to drown a worse one.

I mean, the question actors most often get asked is how they can bear saying the same things over and over again, night after night, but God knows the answer to that is, don't we all anyway; might as well get paid for it.

Country people do not behave as if they think life is short; they live on the principle that it is long, and savor variations of the kind best appreciated if most days are the same.