Funny Quotes - Page 333

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

Ladies and gentlemen are permitted to have friends in the kennel, but not in the kitchen.

The faults of the burglar are the qualities of the financier.

Every dream is a prophecy: every jest is an earnest in the womb of Time.

Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse.

It's funny: I'm a lifelong musician, but because I principally play the piano it's been a solitary thing.

I have such poor vision I can date anybody.

For me retiring wasn't hard once I knew that that was the decision I was going to make.

It is obvious that all sense has gone out of modern marriage; which is, however, no objection to marriage but to modernity.

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

Stripped of ethical rationalizations and philosophical pretensions, a crime is anything that a group in power chooses to prohibit.

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.

Those who want to row on the ocean of human knowledge do not get far, and the storm drives those out of their course who set sail.

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

Alcohol, firearms and a 4 wheel drive can go a long ways towards making a rain day into a fun rest day.