Funny Quotes - Page 330

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".

Love doesn't drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator.

Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids

Funny is when you're serious.

I don’t really get shaken very much. People could heckle me, a spotlight could go out, I could forget a lyric... I’m not operating on somebody’s brain, you know what I mean? So I just think it’s all funny.

Play out a boring game to the end and funny things can happen; Fischer knew it.

Lawyer: one who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation.

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

The most valuable of all human possessions, next to a superior and disdainful air, is the reputation of being well-to-do.

We are living in 1937, and our universities, I suggest, are not half-way out of the fifteenth century. We have made hardly any changes in our conception of university organization, education, graduation, for a century - for several centuries.