Funny Quotes - Page 327

You could start an argument in an empty house.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

ECW stands for Extremely Crappy Wrestling.

The game in St. Louis has been halted in the fourth inning because of rain. I'll bet they have the jacuzzis going there.

Gaylord Perry and Willie McCovey should know each other like a book. They've been ex-teammates for years now.

It's a cold night out tonight. The Padres better warm up real good because it's stiff out there.

They've taken the foot off Johnny Grubb. Uh, they've taken the shoe off Johnny Grubb.

I like to use big words so people will think I know what I'm talking about.

You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it.

Shirley and Griffey get along like a rattler and a parrot.

Gonzo leaps like a giraffe and grabs it.

Boros is not with the team today because he's attending his daughter's funeral. Oh, wait, it's her wedding.

Sunday is Senior Citizens' Day. And if you want to become a senior citizen, just call the Padre ticket office.

The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside.

A day without newspapers is like walking around without your pants on.

I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since.

I saw a great Newfoundland dog the other day sitting in front of a mirror at the entrance to a shop in Regent's Circus, and examining himself with an amount of smug satisfaction that I have never seen equaled elsewhere outside a vestry meeting.

I don't have the first clue who he is talking about, because all I worry about is Jerome.

I think I am about 5 for 500 when it comes to successful ideas vs flops.

That's what I hate about a lot of comedies, when you're hitting a line or making it funny.