Funny Quotes - Page 324

My baby is weird man... when he get mad, he gets in the oven.

I don't write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

What's not to love about us! People got to know Misty and me in Athens. We've continued to be successful and continued to connect with the fans. I promise we're going to be tough to get rid of.

I think women as well as men are concerned about jobs and the economy and spending and, and other issues. They're concerned that when their kids graduate from college they have an economy and they have a future in this country and they, they have the same opportunity that we've had and our grandparents have had.

I think a lot comes from having the experience of doing stand-up comedy. It allows you to figure out the psychology of an audience; what things are funny and not.

When I made coffee and Xeroxed and distributed newspapers at ABC News, I thought my life was over.

Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.

Moms Mabley said you have to say good things about the dead. I say, 'He's dead. Good.'

What happens if someone else has my eyes, and they start looking at stuff I don't like? I don't like the idea of that.

Darwin has interested us in the history of nature's technology.

Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.

I never smoked. I never drank and I never took drugs. The funny thing is, nothing is more boring, people like this. For me, it's OK. But most of my friends, at least they smoke and drink.

No they called it the Codex Merlini because it was written by a guy named Ralph.

Cheryl Cole and Katy Perry are two of the hottest girls in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of girls I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Cheryl and Katy - a mixture of the two would be hot.

I was asked about doing a nude shoot for men's magazine GQ. I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard.

Because death and illness are the most horrible things in life, of course that's where the most absurdly funny things are going to happen.

Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let's just wish each other a bileless New Year and leave it at that.

We have North Shore, Hawaii and Lost all there, so they have softball tournaments between the casts. It's hilarious.

When a young man begins to go down hill everything seems to be greased for the occasion.

I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money.

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.

You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.

When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job, and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering.

Sometimes it’s heartbreaking to see your siblings as the people they’ve become. Maybe that’s why we all stay away from each other as a matter of course.