Funny Quotes - Page 322

Of course it's the same old story. Truth usually is the same old story.

I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then."

Maybe I wanted to hear it so badly that my ears betrayed my mind in order to secure my heart.

Comedy is obviously a matter of personal taste and the world always needs a clown and some people have no taste at all and any clown will do.

The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.

A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What - does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'

When you actually meet the devil and he offers you a deal most artists eventually negotiate.

God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy - they're reluctant prophets.

I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.

I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.

I went to military college in Canada and graduated as an officer in the Navy but also as an engineer.

I found my personal style in black humor and mixing funny things with very touching ones - like trying to force people to cry and smile almost at the same moment.

Travel, of course, narrows the mind.

I've noticed your hostility towards him... I ought to have guessed you were friends.

I like the English. They have the most rigid code if immorality in the world.

I only know how to play two ways: reckless and abandon.

Dress like Britney Spears and think like me, and everything will be fine.

When I was a graduate student, the leading spirits at Harvard were interested in the history of ideas.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like... I walk outside, it's- there's not much traffic. "Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no-there's a person."

I don't have sex drive... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'.

Charlie Chaplin's genius was in comedy. He has no sense of humor, particularly about himself.

Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?

It's not brain surgery. It's not nuclear physics. It's television. It's only television.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.