Funny Quotes - Page 320

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

Why are there no "during" pictures?

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

I think the second you think that you're funny is when you stop being funny.

When you work for other people you'll find ... that they do know what's best for them, and for the company. And you should listen to them and be respectful, but they don't know what's best for you.

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore!

Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn't get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I'm doing jazz. That's kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks ... Maybe I'm the Kenny G of comedy.

All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.

A husband only worries about a particular Other Man; a wife distrusts her whole species.

Be glad that you're greedy; the national economy would collapse if you weren't.

It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily.

We were so young, so in love, and so in debt.

Fortune, seeing that she could not make fools wise, has made them lucky.

We are born at the rise of the curtain and we die with its fall, and every night in the presence of our patrons we write our new creation, and every night it is blotted out forever; and of what use is it to say to audience or to critic, ''Ah, but you should have seen me last Tuesday?''

Success is the next best thing to happiness, and if you can't be happy as a success, it's very unlikely that you would find a deeper, truer happiness in failure.

On the £20,000 Mercedes prizes for each winner at the World Athletics Championships in Stuttgart- Anyone good enough to win already has one.

Never ask for 'a beer.'

Funny things happen to you in movies for silly reasons.

I believe the term "blog" means more than an online journal. I believe a blog is a conversation. People go to blogs to read AND write, not just consume.

They better not put me in the All -Star Game. I won't shoot, but I'll dominate that easy game. I'll be playing hard defense. I'll be foulin'. I'll be flagrant fouling. Everyone will be like, 'What are you doing?'

The funny thing about making this record and being away from the girls and on my own in LA is that it allowed me to reflect on how much we've accomplished.

It's a funny thing no matter who you are when you purchase a flower or a plant, the first thing you ask is how do I keep this plant and keep it growing beautiful. People need the same concern.