Funny Quotes - Page 317

I never play cricket. It requires one to assume such indecent postures.

The best way to appreciate your job is to, is here to stay.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

Biography lends to death a new terror.

I have always said that if I were a rich man, I would employ a professional praiser.

I'm stopped. I'll never eat another burger.

What I know for sure is that if you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal. I know ours is.

I fell in love with theater there, and after graduation I moved to Los Angeles to pursue acting.

Young man, the secret of my success is that an early age I discovered that I was not God.

Certainly there are lots of things in life that money won't buy, but it's very funny- Have you ever tried to buy them without money?

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.

A burglar who respects his art always takes his time before taking anything else.

Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there were two 58-0 games in same week.

If one official signals Falcons ball and Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson signals Seahawks ball, is it a jump ball?

I hate it. It looks like a stickup at 7-Eleven. Five guys standing there with their hands in the air.

Never marry a man you wouldn't want to be divorced from.

When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big.

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all Jazz is for.

They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.

Most books today seemed to have been written overnight from books read the day before.

Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.

I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.

The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist.

I don't see the point of watching men exercise.