Funny Quotes - Page 315

He (The Agent) just takes ten per cent of your life.

Throughout the history of commercial life nobody has ever quite liked the commission man. His function is too vague, his presence always seems one too many, his profit looks too easy, and even when you admit that he has a necessary function, you feel that this function is, as it were, a personification of something that in an ethical society would not need to exist. If people could deal with one another honestly, they would not need agents.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

A run is more difficult to make than no save, because batting is in its nature a far less certain and reliable thing than bowling and fielding.

No orator can top the one who can give good nicknames.

There is properly no history, only biography.

Infancy conforms to nobody: all conform to it, so that one babe commonly makes four or five out of the adults who prattle and play to it.

Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully.

I wish I could be as thin as Jessica Simpson. I think she looks gorgeous! I have had Jessica on my show several times, and I can tell you that girl is genuine and funny with a great self-deprecating sense of humor.

We had times in '66 and '67 when we would pick up a platoon of privates out of the receiving barracks the week before we even graduated the platoon that we were on!

I disagree with a lot of those changes, however at the end of the day - I go down to recruit graduation at least once or twice a year.

Sex is the last refuge of the miserable.

The judge is found guilty when a criminal is acquitted.

A funny thing happened on the way to the election - I got to the Senate first.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."

All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labelled Sally and Peppy.

Education is this funny thing. You deal for several years with organized information, and then you go out into the world and you never see any of that ever again. There's no more organized information.

I was about to get a degree in economics when I accepted that I'd be a lousy businessman, and if I didn't give acting a try I'd regret it for the rest of my life.

Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up.

I was excellent at English and Drama. Maths and Science I was terrible at. I didn't have any interest in them. I was happiest at lunchtime, playing with my friends. But I love science now, that's the funny thing. And I'd be so good at geography, as I've been fortunate enough to travel the world.

Sisterhood is a funny thing. It's easy to recognize, but hard to define.

Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They just want to check if they're doing it right. "This is Sleeping, right?" "Exactly." "I just lie here?" "That's right." "Okay." Then back to sleep they go.

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

I have always wanted a mistress who was fat, and I have never found one. To make a fool of me, they are always pregnant.