Funny Quotes - Page 313

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

The funny thing about gold is how quickly it can tarnish.

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.

Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.

I hate funerals and would not attend my own if it could be avoided

Hoist up sail while gale doth last, Tide and wind stay no man's pleasure.

People here are funny. They work so hard at living, they forget how to live.

Averages don't always reveal the most telling realities. You know, Shaquille O'Neal and I have an average height of 6 feet.