Funny Quotes - Page 310

My life is fair game for anybody. I spent an unhappy, penniless childhood in Brooklyn. I had to slug my way up in a town called Hollywood where people love to trample you to death. I don't relax because I don't know how. I don't want to know how. Life is too short to relax.

Here's the funny thing about the world coming to an end. Once it gets going, it doesn't seem to stop.

I got the nickname Spitfire for a reason - I burned inside to play volleyball.

Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

How young can you die of old age?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I lost a button hole.

I think that the anti-Microsoft sentiment is simply due to their having been so successful selling a lot of crap.