Funny Quotes - Page 309

Golf is a game where guts and blind devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer.

There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.

From the air, Vatican City looked like a marble Monopoly set. The Church owned all the property from Broadwalk to Illinois Avenue, has three hotels on every lot, and no matter how often it tossed the dice you just knew it would never land on Go to Jail, it would be forever passing Go and collecting $200.

I found myself declaiming, full flower, for an hour on the "utmost importance and urgency" of Blogging, telling him in no uncertain terms that, especially in a high-end niche business, Blogging is "the premier way" to have "intimate conversations" with his Clients. Funny thing, I believe it!

Hitchcock had a charm about him. He was very funny at times. He was incredibly brilliant in his field of suspense.

Working with Chaplin was very amusing and strange. His films are so funny, but working with him, I found him to be a very serious man. Whereas the films of Hitchcock are macabre, he could be a very funny man to work with, always telling jokes and holding court. Of course, when I worked with Charlie he was getting older.

I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey.

It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.'

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I'm the oldest I've ever been, right now.

Originality is a thing we constantly clamour for, and constantly quarrel with.

Never weather-beaten sail more willing bent to shore.

I don't mind your thinking slowly; I mind your publishing faster than you think.

Consider the situation. There you are, forehead like a set of balconies, worrying about the long-term effects of all this new 'fire' stuff on the environment, you're being chased and eaten by most of the planet's large animals, and suddenly tiny versions of one of the worst of them wanders into the cave and starts to purr.

Don't say I don't get along with my teammates. I just don't get along with some of the guys on the team.

So in my uncertainty, I went to graduate school and there it all happened.

In my second year in graduate school, I took a computer course and that was like lightening striking.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny.

Knowledge is invariably a matter of degree: you cannot put your finger upon even the simplest datum and say this we know.

When I first met Jack, I was terrified of him. I wasn't expecting a fun, laughing, enjoyable, exciting guy. I walked into his office like most people, with my knees knocking together. I was scared.

Books are funny little portable pieces of thought.