Funny Quotes - Page 307

You're damn right I do. I'm in Madison Square Garden getting the s*** knocked out of me

When I started driving our old four-door green DeSoto, I always took Skip on my trips around town. I would get Skip to prop himself against the steering wheel, his black head peering out of the windshield, while I crouched out of sight under the dashboard. Slowing the car to ten or fifteen, I would guide the steering wheel with my right hand while Skip, with his paws, kept it steady. As we drove by the Blue Front Café, I could hear one of the men shout: "Look at that ol' dog drivin' a car!"

You need a good bedside manner with doctors or you will get nowhere.

Man is a slow, sloppy and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate and stupid.

All adventure is now reactionary.

The Democrats are going to change the name of the Hoover Dam. That is the silliest thing I ever heard of in politics . . . Lord if they feel that way about it, I don't see why they don't just reverse the two words.

I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.

There isn't any finer folks living than a Republican that votes the Democratic ticket.

I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.

I read and learned and fretted more about Canada after I left than I ever did while I was home. I absorbed anything I could on topics that ranged from Folklore to history to political mainifestos... I ranted and raved and seethed about things beyond my control. In short I acted like a Canadian.

Which is now a more hopeful statement than Swift intended it to be.

I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than that, life is actually pretty good.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

There may be something good in silence. It's a brand new thing. You can hear the funniest little discussions, if you keep turning the volume down. Shut yourself up, and listen out loud.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

Adventures are funny things. Many are merely happy accidents—a single spark that ignites an unexpected chain of events. But some adventures are meant for you and you alone. And whether you want them or not, they seek you out of a great crowd and take you somewhere you never thought you’d go. Often, these unlooked for adventures require a sacrifice too great to imagine.

Who ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or herding together in turbulent mobs? No - no, your lean, hungry men who are continually worrying society, and setting the whole community by the ears.

Young lawyers attend the courts, not because they have business there, but because they have no business.

It's a funny thing, but today the Titanic is probably much more - that is people are much more aware of it than they were in 1954, when I was doing my research.

It is necessary to any originality to have the courage to be an amateur.

Few misfortunes can befall a boy which bring worse consequence than to have a really affectionate mother.

Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon, If you listen to popular rumour; From morning to night he's so joyous and bright, And he bubbles with wit and good humour!

Bless your heart, they don't mind--they're exceedingly kind-- They don't blame you--as long as you're funny!