Funny Quotes - Page 304

I just killed my best friend... and my worst enemy. What's the difference?

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

See... Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what's that focus? That focus is all about HER! It's all about her!

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

Quebec from the boat looked like the ramparts where Hamlet's ghost might have walked.

Sanders was a friend of chickens.

Beethoven can't really be great because his picture isn't on a bubble gum card.

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

Some medical beast had revived tar-water in those days as a fine medicine, and Mrs. Joe always kept a supply of it in the cupboard; having a belief in its virtues correspondent to its nastiness. At the best of times, so much of this elixir was administered to me as a choice restorative, that I was conscious of going about, smelling like a new fence.

The Christian church is a society of sinners. It is the only society in the world membership in which is based upon the single qualification that the candidate shall be unworthy of membership.

I'm aiming by the time I'm fifty to stop being an adolescent.

Cessation of work is not accompanied by cessation of expenses

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.

Sex when you're married is like going to the 7-Eleven: There's not much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.

The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'

I've been noticing gravity since I was very young.

The margin of error in astrology is plus or minus one hundred percent.

Equal partnerships are not made in heaven-they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time.

I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn't understand, she had to explain: 'That's like three Mercedes.' Then I understood.

Judgement comes from experience, and great judgement comes from bad experience.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.