Funny Quotes - Page 301

If in the after life there is not music, we will have to import it.

Love is something sent from Heaven to worry the Hell out of you.

Death is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.

We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!

Everyone should have an evil secret plan.

Most people think, "Life sucks, and then you die." I disagree. I think life sucks. Then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission, and then all of the sudden you have a stroke. You can't move your right side. And then, maybe, you die.

The best doctor is the one you run to and can't find.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

A lot of beautiful people are stupid. There are a tremendous number of idiots who look so good. It's frightening.

We sit in a room for months trying to think of funny things.

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.

I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.

What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.

As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!

Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

This is a young man who is only 25, and you have to say, her has answered every question that has ever been asked.

He is accelerating all the time. That last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before in 62.

He's 31 this year: last year he was 30.

Broke people giving financial advice is like a shop teacher with missing fingers.

They have a lot of trouble with pronunciation, because they can't move their jaw muscles, because of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing to eat English food, much of which was designed and manufactured in medieval times during the reign of King Walter the Mildly Disturbed.