Funny Quotes - Page 300

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

In science, read, by preference, the newest works; in literature the oldest.

I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor.

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch - death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower ...' "

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

It's more difficult getting up early in the morning when you're wearing silk pajamas.

If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers.

I don't know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens.

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.

Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good!

How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now.

When you're are playing for the national championship, it's not a matter of life or death. Its more important than that.

Welcome to 'Who's Line Is It Anyway' the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like Canada.

Poor empty pants With nobody inside them.

Earthmen are not proud of their ancestors and never invite them round to dinner.

The idea that Bill Gates (one of the founders of Microsoft) has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he, by peddling second rate technology, led them into it in the first place...

If you want to climb it badly enough, you will. So... why bother ?

People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.

According to the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, fish have feelings too. Whenever my sons go fishing they always tell me, "Dad it doesn't hurt a fish to get hooked." Well I watch and I see and I believe it's painful for the fish.

A friend of mine, now retired, was then a major exec at a major bank, and one of her jobs, the last four years, was the farewell interview.

Farewell, dearest friend, never to see one another any more till at the right hand of Christ.

Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we should never need solace.