Funny Quotes - Page 297

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

Once I chanted the Hare Krishna mantra all the way from France to Portugal, nonstop. I drove for about twenty-three hours and chanted all the way. It gets you feeling a bit invincible. The funny thing was that I didn't even know where I was going. I mean I had bought a map, and I knew basically which way I was aiming, but I couldn't speak French, Spanish, or Portuguese. But none of that seemed to matter. You know, once you get chanting, then things start to happen transcendentally.

Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

The status quo sucks.

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one?

My mother married a very good man ... and she is not at all keen on my doing the same.

There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst.

Ozzy wanted to get us back together. It's been 20 years. We did a couple of songs during his farewell in 1992 and that got the ball rolling.

There's no in between-you're either good or bad. We were in between.

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.