Funny Quotes - Page 295

That is why we have the polio vaccine. People are blazing their own trial. That is what seems to be important. I don't care to follow and to do what the mass is doing. That is not doing anything, to be doing what everyone else is doing. Everybody is unique. The funny thing about people now is that people don't really understand or really appreciate how unique each individual on earth is.

I did not know that we had ever quarreled.

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

I love Americans, but not when they try to talk French. What a blessing it is that they never try to talk English.

We haven't had any more rain since it stopped raining.

Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own punishment with it.

The likelihood of getting lost is directly proportional to the number of times the direction-giver says, 'You can't miss it'.

Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working.

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose - for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.

Shave a gorilla and it would be almost impossible, at twenty paces, to distinguish him from a heavyweight champion of the world. Skin a chimpanzee, and it would take an autopsy to prove he was not a theologian.

God is a Republican, and Santa Claus is a Democrat.

I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup.