Funny Quotes - Page 292

Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.

Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.

There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

Diana Rigg is built like a brick mausoleum with insufficient flying buttresses.

Cursing is invoking the assistance of a spirit to help you inflict suffering. Swearing on the other hand, is invoking, only the witness of a spirit to an statement you wish to make.

See, well ya see, the thing is, he should have caught that ball. But the ball is bigger than his hands.

Give us the luxuries of life, and we will dispense with its necessities.

Kids cannot follow stories. They don't know what the hell is going on in a cartoon. They like to see funny visual things happening.

War is hell and all that, but it has a good deal to recommend it. It wipes out all the small nuisances of peace time.

Drink today, and drown all sorrow; you shall perhaps not do tomorrow.

A dollar saved is a quarter earned.

The constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself.

Whoever, in middle age, attempts to realize the wishes and hopes of his early youth, invariably deceives himself. Each ten years of a man's life has its own fortunes, its own hopes, its own desires.

We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves.

Sometimes I go into my own little world. It's okay, they know me there.

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.

If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.

As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'

When we don't have the words chocolate can speak volumes.

In this outward and physical ceremony we attest once again to the inner and spiritual strength of our Nation. As my high school teacher, Miss Julia Coleman, used to say: 'We must adjust to changing times and still hold to unchanging principles.'

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.