Funny Quotes - Page 289

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.

I have to go and say farewell to all the countries that I have been to, if I can. I am 73 now, it is taxing on me.

The guys on the stunt team are really fantastic. It's really funny, because for all the aggression they have to display on screen, they're actually really happy, good- natured people.

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!

I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

I would never try and play like Harry James, because I don't like his tone - for me. It's just white. You know what I mean? He has what we black trumpet players call a white sound. But it's for white music ... I can tell a white trumpet player, just listening to a record. There'll be something he'll do that'll let me know that he's white.

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

Well, there's a remedy for all things but death, which will be sure to lay us flat one time or other.

I'm the biggest nerd - I love comic books and stuff like that! I don't have any friends who are actresses. I only had one girlfriend when I was growing up. Most of my friends were boys. I was such a tomboy. I enjoyed doing guy things.

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman. Homer Simpson

Even boredom has its crises.

Laughing at our friends, we avenge the disappointment they have caused.

Nothing is more cheerful than talking about our friends' shortcomings.

Life is too short for a long story

I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.

It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him.

I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.