Funny Quotes - Page 287

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.

Chumps always make the best husbands. All the unhappy marriages come from the husbands having brains.

We English are good at forgiving our enemies; it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends.

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

It takes a thoroughly good woman to do a thoroughly stupid thing

Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what fiction means.

Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays.

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

When a man does exactly what a woman expects him to do she doesn't think much of him. One should always do what a woman doesn't expect, just as one should say what she doesn't understand.

In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever and ever.

When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

They take the paper and they read the headlines. So they've heard of unemployment and they've heard of bread-lines. And they philanthropically cure them all by getting up a costume charity ball.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

A mere forty years ago, beach volleyball was just beginning. No bureaucrat would have invented it, and that's what freedom is all about.

Great, big, serious novels always get awards. If it's a battle between a great, big, serious novel and a funny novel, the funny novel is doomed.

I didn't see the time, largely because there wasn't one.

Villeneuve is now twelve seconds ahead of Villeneuve.

A mediocre season for Nelson Piquet as he is now known and always has been.

Of course he did it voluntarily, but he had to do it.

Tombay's hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now