Funny Quotes - Page 285

Friendship will not stand the strain of very much good advice for very long.

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish."

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Grove giveth and Gates taketh away.

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

Marriage, like money, is still with us; and, like money, progressively devalued.

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended-and not to take a hint when a hint isn't intended.

My health plan doesn't cover dental, so I enrolled my teeth as 32 dependents, each needing a complete physical once a year.

Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

For you to be successful, sacrifices must be made. It's better that they are made by others but failing that, you'll have to make them yourself.

Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take them off when they see him coming!

Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always say.

One day I may be meeting you and hearing how you've changed your life by saying, "Farewell to Fat".

Now, mark it. This may be strong language, but heed it. The people mean it, and, my friends of the Eastern Democracy, we bid farewell when you do that thing.

In the television age, the key distinction is between the candidate who can speak poetry and the one who can only speak prose.

There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.

My mum, a strange creature from the time when pickles on toothpicks were still the height of sophistication.

There is so much more than that little space from 14 to 40. And if you cut that off and begin to believe that you are not good past a certain age, then you end up scared and insecure and afraid. That is definitely NOT beautiful.

After Jackie Robinson the most important black in baseball history is Reggie Jackson, I really mean that.

Before a war military science seems a real science, like astronomy; but after a war it seems more like astrology.

If my books had been any worse, I should not have been invited to Hollywood, and if they had been any better, I should not have come.

Beauty is an outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused.