Funny Quotes - Page 284

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade

With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'

While I do commend the Administration on its commitment and focus on high school reform, I believe that we must focus on graduation as the key accountability measure.

I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.

Don't worry about polls, but if you do, don't admit it.

I would have voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

History shows that when the taxes of a nation approach about 20 percent of the people's income, there begins to be a lack of respect for government.... When it reaches 25 percent, there comes an increase in lawlessness.

What color is the sky in your world Cena. You're talking what Wrestlmania needs to be, but allow me to demenstrate what's going to happen. The Rock laying boots to asses, from the rooder to the pooder. Cenation is going to be Cyalaternation!

Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.

There is certainly more in the future now than back in 1964.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I have three kids, one of each.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full."

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'

ACT and SAT each have their own parts of the country. The GRE has its lock on graduate admissions. And so, one could blame the companies, but really, economically, they have no incentive to change things very much because they're getting the business.