Funny Quotes - Page 281

They are sick that surfeit with too much, as they that starve with nothing.

Less judgment than wit is more sail than ballast.

Truth gets well if she is run over by a locomotive, while error dies of lockjaw if she scratches her finger.

It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for.

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.

In politics practically everything you hear is scandal, and besides, the funny thing is that the things they are whispering ain't half has bad as the things they have been saying right out loud.

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.

Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.

Nothing recedes like success.

I promised myself that if ever I had some money that I would savor a cigar each day after lunch and dinner. This is the only resolution of my youth that I have kept, and the only realized ambition which has not brought disillusion.

I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked them.

Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Kansas is a piece of real estate that completely disproves the theory of roundness as a quality of the planet earth.

He enters the port with a full sail.

They say that Nero started the fire himself because he needed a suitable backdrop for his concert.

When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep.

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate

I didn't have a job because nobody would hire me. My friends were getting hired, and I couldn't even get a job interview. That really rocked my self-esteem because I didn't understand what I did wrong on those job applications.

If I rescued a child from drowning, the press would no doubt headline the story: 'Benn grabs child

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

What this country needs is a credit card for charging things to experience.