Funny Quotes - Page 280

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious.

Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.

We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.

Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction.

I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before and, to be honest with you I wanted to see a blue duck.

As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

I don't know why femininity should be associated with weakness. Women should be free to express who they are without thinking, 'I need to act like a man, or I need to tone it down to be successful.' That's a very good way to keep women down.

I tried to be normal once... worst two minutes of my life.

I call my balls the bush twins.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

I loved school, I loved putting on my uniform and doing homework every day. I was one of those good students that the teachers liked. I guess that's got to be a pretty nerdy, geeky part of me.

It ain't like football. You can't make up no trick plays.

He [Steve McQueen] must have made that before he died.

I'd find the fellow who lost it [million dollars], and, if he was poor, I'd return it.

It gets late early out there.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

I do not hold that we should rearm in order to fight. I hold that we should rearm in order to parley.